March 6, 2016
My sweet, sweet Bradley or as your Dad calls you, “he is big, he is bad, he is Brad”.
I can’t believe I have survived 6 months since you left us. I can’t believe this is my life now. It honestly still feels like a bad bad dream. I still yearn for you. I still grieve for you.
I hope you don’t mistake my sadness for regret. I absolutely do not regret anything that happened. I never have wished that you didn’t exist so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain. Bradley, I would go through all of it over again, again, and again. I would go through the pain of having to make the decision on your life again. I would go through planning your burial and service all over again. I would go through another 6 months of living without you, of grieving you, of loving you and of missing you. And because of all that, I was able to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you, to hug you and to say good bye to you. A millions times over again. The one thing that I will never, as long as I am living, regret is you being born. You and your brother are my biggest accomplishments.
You know what makes me angry is that I am even having to write all this. That I have to live without all my children by my side and others do not.
Every time your Dad, brother and I do something together, you are always on my mind. It never feels complete. You are the missing piece to our family. The family trips we take never feel quite right.
We went to Disneyland for your brother’s 4th birthday in December. You should have been there with us. The next day we had cake and sang “happy birthday” to your brother, you should have been there too.
We actually bought annual passes for Disneyland for the three of us. We have gone two more times since then. I can’t help but think that if you were here, we probably wouldn’t have bought the passes. It is because you are not here that we have taken your brother to so many places in the last 6 months. That is the hard part about all this. Because you are not here, I devote all my time to your brother. This isn’t how life was suppose to go. I should be dividing my time between both you and your brother.
It sucks. Life is just unfair. There is no other way to explain all this.
You have missed so much, Bradley. You have missed many afternoons playing outside on the new swing set with your brother. You have missed countless trips to Target. You have missed the millionth time spent waiting in the car at the Starbucks drive-thru. You have missed watching your brother build his countless LEGO creations. You have missed hearing your brother sing his favorite song from his favorite show, Little Einstein’s every time he watches it. You have missed many memories that we should have shared together. And that hurts my heart.
I am constantly searching for signs from you that you are near. I desperately need those signs in order for me to survive this life. There have only been a handful of times where I would feel you near, its not enough times for me. The first small white feather I found was about a month after you left. This feather was in our backyard near where your brother was playing.
I remember that day because it was the first sign from you that I received. Now when I see small white feathers at random places, I think of you but I don’t see them often enough. I don’t dream about you and that breaks my heart. I don’t see you. I don’t have visions of you. I sometimes feel very disconnected from you Bradley. My whole goal in life right now is to feel you near me and to know you are okay.
Bradley, I am sorry I don’t visit your gravesite that much. The last time we went was Christmas Eve, so almost 3 months ago. It is in the same city where my parents live (your grandparents) so its not like I’m not in the area. Seeing your marker is sometimes just too much for me to handle. It is the realization that you truly are not here with us. On my “better” days, visiting you would just bring me back. I know that is selfish but, it is how I survive these days without you now.
I really don’t know how you have been gone for 6 months. I am still brought to tears when someone says your name or when I tell your story or just when I think of you. I miss you dearly, Bradley. We all miss you. You have such a huge fan club down here on earth, if only you were here to witness the love.
I could write forever when it comes to telling you how much I miss you, how much I love you and everything that we have done without you.
I love you my sweet sweet Bradley.
You are big. You are bad. You are Brad.